hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
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Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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