i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
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Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
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I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Let's get the cat blown out
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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