The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize