Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
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She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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