drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
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I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
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No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
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