Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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