my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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