my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
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kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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