remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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