Got a toothbrush?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
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