i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
zippers are such a cool invention
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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