her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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