i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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