theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
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I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
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Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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