i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
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I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
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My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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