I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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