that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
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When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
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You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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