I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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