i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
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After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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