I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
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Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
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He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
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He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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