Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
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Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
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Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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