You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
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Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
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You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
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