3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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