there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
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Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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