Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
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I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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