I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
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All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
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This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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