Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
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I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
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I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
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