is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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