she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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