My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
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YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
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