somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
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At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
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Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Congratulations! We have a period
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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