Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize