its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
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This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
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That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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