Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize