i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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