Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
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He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
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Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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