this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
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I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
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There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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