Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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