That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
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When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
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I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
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