we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
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College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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