no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
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No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
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Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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