My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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