At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
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It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
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Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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