true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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