walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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