I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
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