I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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