So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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