apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
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I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
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I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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