haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
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I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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